I am incredibly awkward and sometimes negative. 

I get attached too easily, and hold on for too long.

I don't like opening up to people. Most 5 year old

children can express their feelings better than me.

I'm terrified of being hurt. I tend to act older that I am.

I'm probably one of the most difficult people you'll 

ever meet. But I can be sweet. I'm a great listener.

I'll guard your secrets with my life. I will never judge 

you based on your mistakes. And I'll love you as much

as I can. I can be, if you let me, one of the best things

in your life. 

Yap yap yappity yap

First and foremost, I apologize for my hiatus. Eh? has it been that long? Nah, just a little over 2 weeks. Why did it feel like I was abandoning my blog though? Hm, strange. Anyway, I haven't got the opportunity to blog much since well, my cousin stayed with me for her semester break and there's not enough privacy for me to actually blog. I'm the kind of person who'd prefer to be completely left alone for me to be able to pour my heart out. Anyway, there's a lot of things happened. More family dramas, more middle-child syndrome cases, more disappointments, more escapism, more *coughs* feelings *coughs* develops *cough**cough* ;)

I got a lot to be thankful for, really. Yes, I may not have the most affectionate or understanding parents but they never fail to provide me and my brothers what we need. Yes, I am suffering from this shit called Middle-Child Syndrome or lovingly referred to as MCS, but that's what made me who I am today. A girl who can stand on her own two feet. Someone who may break down and cry today but pick herself up and fight again the next. Yes, I may feel lonely most of the times but hey, I'm used to that. So Alhamdulillah for everything I have.

Okay, moving on. Last Wednesday I went out with *ehem* and um, it was beyond great I would say. People said "Unplanned things are the best" and yeap, couldn't agree more. Except for the fact that I look like asdfghjkl and was still beyond sleepy when I reached KLCC. But that's the wonders of love, you'd do absolutely anything! oops, did I just dropped the L-word? My bad ;)

May 27th

All Hell Breaks Loose.

I woke up at 9am today to the sound of my phone's reminder alarm. It's May 27th. His birthday. We would go celebrate it...if we're still together,of course. I thought I'd never blog about him anymore but whatever. I need to get this feeling out somewhere somehow. It's sad really. I got it all mapped up and planned out. Today was supposed to be a special day. We'd drive up to the rabbit farm at Bukit Tinggi and have a picnic. I'd cook some mac & cheese and bake his favorite chocolate chips cookies. Then we'll go sightseeing and spend time talking, just the two of us on the hood of his car. He'll wrap his arms around me, makes me feel safe and convince me I'm his one true love and he'll never let go. But those are just dreams now. Some "could-have-been" that I have to live with. I hope he wouldn't find my blog or something. I'm pathetic, I know. I'm not pining for him anymore, I know I could never accept him back. But this huge hole in my heart just keeps getting bigger. You were my life, and now ever since the day we died all I can think of was how I could never find any guy who gets me like you do. So Happy Birthday, I wish you as sincere as my heart can be, all the best and I hope you're happy with your life.

P/s: Should have deleted that damned reminder

I'm listening to Nothing Left To Lose by The Pretty Reckless

Mundane thoughts

My life is fucked up.

I was so used to being alone that when the house was filled with people, it became overwhelming. What a sad sad person I'm becoming. What's wrong dear ili? I have no clue. I hate being alone, I hate being with people. I need my closest friends. Those are the peeps I'm truly comfortable with. Even families made me feel alienated sometimes. I don't feel that warmth anymore. Maybe when my brothers come back this mundane feeling will alleviate but I doubt that. As we grow older I noticed we actually grew apart too. Everyone living in the same house, yet in their own world. Hadzri with his laptop and sketches and models. Zami with his books and Quran and flying simulator. Ajim with his desktop and games and more games. And me, left alone with my thoughts and earphones and music. What is family? pfft.

Listening to Is anybody Out There by K'naan featuring Nelly Furtado

Note to Self

Old wounds heal fast

I had a breakup almost 6 months ago, but we keep in touch on and off for another 4 months. And right now I can proudly say I'm OVER him, and I'm moving on. Here's the thing, I fancy this friend of mine and some people asked me how I got over my ex quickly? i get why they asked me that, because the proper closure that we had was only about over a month ago. That was when he finally accepted that things will never be like old times for us and there's nothing else to do than to bid goodbye and move on. I on the other hand, has accepted this fact from the moment we had our last fallout. I knew I could never love him the same way again. It would be degrading if I bare all the reasons that made me fell out of love with him. All I can say is, I'm indifferent towards him. So, even when we only reached our proper closure for a little over a month, is it wrong for me to say I'm in love with someone else? I mean, it's still so new to be called love, but it feels like it. And I know this feelings I have is not some sort of rebound shit coz I already over him.